Today on Did I Say That Out Loud? I turn my blog over to a guest blogger. I’ve never done this before but I felt that this was a story that would resonate.
On Christmas Eve 2006, I had a pregnancy loss at 32 weeks. Conor, my son, lived for 3 1/2 hours then passed. Thankfully, I’ve come to terms that Conor is in a better, happier place. I know there’s a good reason he isn’t on this earth. I’ve spent many years speculating as to the whys, hows, etc. I truly believe the sadness I held was the beginning of my heart problems.
I carried this heartbreak around for a very long time. Keeping all the sadness and regret bottled up. I never wanted to cry in front of anyone. I felt I had to be strong for my family. Then in September 2007, I had a massive heart attack; I truly believe losing my son played into that. When people say you can’t die of a broken heart that’s completely untrue. I believe that people can really do a number on themselves with stress and sadness.
I have to say it was the lowest point in my life. Actually, it was the deciding factor to end my horrible marriage (but that’s another blog)! I had been in an unhappy marriage with an abusive man. To outsiders we looked like Barbie and Ken: big home, great jobs, world by the balls so to speak but behind closed doors, a small piece of me was dying each day. I tried repeatedly to make this marriage work. When I found out I was pregnant I did what any “nice” Irish catholic girl did, I stuck with the dirt bag.
Before our divorce, when we were participating in mediation, my husband, the man I thought special enough to want to spend the rest of my life with, looked at me and said, “Jeanine, the next time you have a heart attack do it the right way and die.” Nice guy, huh. I laugh about it now but at the time the judge was so shocked he ended the mediation early and threw the book at him, literally. He’s still paying for that.
Well that’s history and I’m in a wonderful place in my life now. I thank God every day he kept me here to experience what true happiness feels like. I found my happy place with Matt. Matt is the man I should have met 20 years ago but I suppose everything in life is fate, even losing Conor.
Whew that’s a load off!
So enough of my rambling; I went off on the tangent today because one of my family members told me it is medically impossible to have heart problems from life’s “minor” road bumps. I knew she was referring to my son as a “minor road bump”. I would have liked to kick her in her ovaries (my favorite line from Anchorman lol)
No one ever really knew how sad I was about all of this. Recently, I was finally able to let him go 😦 and what a load off its been; a heavy burden for anyone to carry around. I think its done my heart a world of wonders for me to find happiness again!!